My Soul Speaks About My Obsolete Ego

As part of the Immersion Program, students are asked to reflect deeply on who they are and how their ego formed and functioned in their lives up to this point. They are invited to write essays, engage in self-inquiry, and explore creative forms of expression as part of their transformational journey.

My first thought when I was starting to write this essay was, “this is going to be hard.” My ego is always doubting and trying to make me believe that I am unqualified for a new task or challenge that I have not done before. The difference now is that I am aware that this is my ego speaking. I know that I do not have to listen to it anymore.

In one way, I almost appreciate it because I connect those feelings with tasks or assignments that challenge me—and that I know my ego does not want me to do since I will grow through completing them.

I believe that I have always been pretty interiorized, in the sense that I’ve known how I’ve reacted in different situations. The difference is that now I understand why I’ve reacted as I have.

I knew I loved and needed to be around people, socializing and being part of the social game. My ego needed constant confirmation and compliments to know that I was good enough, that I did well and produced what was expected from me—preferably more than expected so that I would be even more appreciated.

I suffered from lack of love, fear of loneliness, and fear of not being liked or wanted.

The personality strategy that I have used most is the “Sweet Molasses” strategy (a personality strategy that is unconsciously utilized by the ego and is explained and deconstructed in the Sat Yoga curriculum).

If you ask my friends, family, or former colleagues they would most likely describe me as a very happy, social person that is very easy to both communicate and work with. Most of them had no idea what was going on inside my mind beneath the happy face they saw—which many times was honest, but was also a façade that I had to put up to be able to function in society.

The ego needs confirmation from other people to know that it is doing the right thing because it has no idea who it really is. For this reason, I was craving confirmation from everybody and would easily feel low if someone did not seem to like me or if I felt I had made a mistake.

I was very unstable and could go from feeling happy to going into the Lower Death Drive within seconds. I would also fly high with joy and happiness if, for example, I got rewarded or compliments for an achievement, felt unity with someone, or simply felt liked and understood.

Someone was mirroring me and this—or any other positive energy from another person—was my fuel to stay in a good mood. Quality time with my closest friends was therefore one of the most important parts of my life.

My emotional state was dependent on how I felt other people perceived me. The ego had me fully within its claws, and I was totally unaware of this.

One of the biggest reasons I decided to go to Costa Rica and come to Sat Yoga is the price I paid for the personality strategy of Sweet Molasses: I had lost my identity and did not know who I was.

Growing up—and frequently as an adult—I focused most of my time on pleasing and helping everybody around me, giving me no time or even interest to look inside of myself.

As long as people around me were happy and liked me, I was happy and did not understand that there was another way.

My ego was a specialist in keeping me busy, either with activities or thoughts about planning, food, exercise, how interactions with people went, and anything else that could keep me from being silent or analyzing what was really going on.

My mind started chattering as soon as I woke up—even at four o’clock in the morning.

My personality strategy made me a master of adjusting to every situation, every group of people, and every setting.

A few of the fragments inherited from my mother related to the importance of being responsive. It was all about her, so I always paid full attention to her, reading what she really meant and wanted between the lines.

My fragments created the illusion that this is how the world works, and I suppressed my own emotions and wishes. My priority was to be very responsive to my mother and everyone around me.

I could be happy when I had made sure that the people around me were happy.

This was a lot of work, and I often felt drained of energy. I often felt split.

One day I would be super social, always helpful and supportive. The next day I would do the opposite: lock myself up alone at home doing as little as possible, refueling the ego from all activity by shutting off and spending time in the lower chakras—cuddling up on the sofa with a blanket, cushions, and nice food while watching TV or movies.

Sometimes I would drink a glass—or a couple of glasses—of alcohol to relax, sleep, and basically “just be.”

I always planned free days every week to ensure I would be able to recharge and have enough energy for being out in the world.

The spiritual world was relatively new for me when I came to Sat Yoga. I am learning new tools and a new vocabulary that I did not know existed in either English or Swedish.

This has made me much more interiorized in the sense that now I do not only know how I function—I also understand why and can handle situations in far healthier ways.

For example, my ego made me feel anxious about writing this essay. Whenever I have to produce something I have not done before, I get performance anxiety.

Now I know that this is only my ego trying to take me down the Lower Death Drive by saying that I am not good enough, not clever enough, and so on.

Before coming to Sat Yoga, this would have kept me miserable for days.

Luckily, I can laugh at it now, knowing that whatever I produce will be good enough. It does not define who I am and has nothing to do with my worthiness.

Love never made any sense to me before. I knew that I did not really understand what love was.

For me, love was always painful in some way.

My mother would give me the feeling of never being good enough and then say she loved me, so I thought that love was some kind of love-hate relationship.

I was confused and frustrated that no one seemed to love me unconditionally.

Only when I had helped someone, achieved something, or shared a beautiful moment with another person did I feel a touch of love.

At the same time, I felt I had something inside me—an energy or power—that I did not know how to access.

Finding a connection with God here made me realize that it was actually love that had been inside me all along.

It is the most amazing feeling I have ever known.

I feel love for nature, animals, everybody around me, the world—and most importantly—the love for myself.

This is the first time I am not constantly doubting myself, worrying about whether I am enough, replaying mistakes, or imagining that others dislike me.

It is bliss to live with a heart full of love and, most of the time, a mind filled with positive thoughts.

All of these changes did not happen overnight. I have had difficult days, but I have taken every day as a lesson and an opportunity to grow.

One of the most revealing aspects of my journey has been studying what I project onto other people and why I feel connected—or disconnected—from them.

The people I feel closest to are often those who mirror qualities I appreciate. Sometimes they reflect qualities I wish I had, or qualities I already possess but have not yet recognized in myself.

The people who frustrate me often reveal aspects of myself that I have not fully accepted.

It has been a profound education in self-understanding.

Today I know that this world is an illusion—a beautiful and complex dream.

My soul is ready to stop dreaming the dream of separation and awaken.

This understanding makes it easier to navigate the less joyful moments that appear in life.

I do not take things so seriously anymore. I can smile, laugh, and remember that it is all part of a dream.

Interacting with people still sometimes activates the old impulse to keep conversations going simply for the sake of being liked or approved of.

But now I see through it.

I know that I do not need to say or do anything in order to be worthy.

I can sit quietly through a meal, a meeting, or a social gathering and feel perfectly at peace.

Even though my ego still enjoys receiving compliments or recognition, I now smile and remember that I am already loved and already whole.

Just like every beautiful soul around me.

We are all One, expressing ourselves through different forms and unique gifts.

Each of us has qualities through which we can serve God and support one another in awakening from the dream.

And perhaps together, one day, we can help re-dream this dream into something even more beautiful.

---